Monday, September 14, 2009

Retail Therapy

My sisters-in-law told me a story of how they spent 8 hours together at Nordstrom. Theirs wasn't a tale of horror. No, no. They were proud of themselves. In fact, that was one of the happiest and most glorious times of their lives, shopping and lunching and shopping . . . for an entire day.

I, on the other hand, consider 8 hours trapped in a department store the worst kind of torture. Forget about waterboarding. Take those Gitmo prisoners and send them into Nordstrom without any money, and I guarantee you they'll come out after 8 hours begging for a map so they can show you the exact coordinates of Osama bin Laden's cave. Anything to keep them from going back in to face the skinny ladies behind the counters, dressed in black with their perfect makeup and manicured fingers.

You want to know where weapons of mass destruction are hidden? Take a terrorist to the area in front of the brightly-lit dressing rooms, where fashionably-dressed customers hold their armfuls of designer clothing with ease and confidence, like there's nothing at all uncomfortable or horrifying about the fact that they're waiting in line to get naked in front of mirrors. Stuff that suicide bomber's pasty white body into a pair of trendy jeans that hits him so low on the waist his muffin top looks more like a super-sized bagel, and then make him come out in front of everybody to use the full-length 3-angle mirror. You'll get your information.

I recently went shopping for shoes. They're the one item I can't order online, because sizes and styles vary too much. The beautiful high-heeled pump with a satin bow pictured on my monitor ends up looking like a witch's shoe on my foot, all pointy and pinchy and wobbly. The hard, cold reality is that I have to go inside the walls of a store and actually try on footwear. It still involves mirrors, but at least I don't have to take off my pants.

I started out my adulthood with size 8 feet. Not bad for a 5'10 body. After my first pregnancy, I moved up to 8-1/2. After my second pregnancy, I had to start wearing size 9 shoes. After carrying twins, I began buying size 12E. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but while pregnant with the twins, I actually did have to purchase a couple of size 10 slip-ons. I was so heavy, I guess, that my feet flattened out.

Since giving birth to the girls three years ago, I've gone back to wearing all of my size 9 shoes. I have so many pairs! And they're so cute! But, hoo boy, do they hurt. Especially the dress shoes. I finally admitted the truth to myself this past Sunday after church: I'm going to have to start buying shoes in 9-1/2. My strappy sandals are just too uncomfortably snug.

So it was off to the mall to try on shoes.

All of the black shoes were either ridiculously high-heeled, too trendy, or old-ladyish. Where'd the classic black pumps go? I ended up buying some boots to wear with my slacks. Er, trousers. Dress pants? What do you call those things I wear out to dinner that aren't jeans?

Big, black boots. They're the new strappy sandal.

Dinner last night: chicken pot pie


Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

Shoes are the reason I love Autumn and Winter. I live in my boots! The mere mention of shoe shopping makes me want to stick a needle in my eye. thanks to my "Fred Flintstone" feet)

Your boots are super cute!!

Mother Mayhem said...

I once saw an expose about hidden cameras in dressing rooms. I NEVER tried anything on in public again. EEK!

Emily (my 13 year old) wears a size 13. Online is the only way I can find her shoes!

Helene said...

I hate shopping for clothes, esp in a department store. My husband is the shopping enthusiast in our home.

Those boots totally rock!!! You are so ready for fall!

twinmamabee said...

I like those boots! They will go with trousers and jeans. Very cute!

My feet have never been the same since twin pregnancy either. I prefer flip flops, but they are a little chilly in the winter... :)

glitzen said...

I think those boots are adorable. And you are SO funny. Ha ha, Gitmo prisoners indeed...har har..snort!:)

CK said...

Oh, you make me laugh!

Not a big shopper, myself. I like to get in and out with as much efficiency as possible!!!