Wednesday, December 17, 2008

In Defense of the Christmas Sweater

I'm here today to represent all those who are being discriminated against this holiday season—the poor saps of the world who wear with pride their blinking ornament earrings, who cheerfully participate in the Secret Santa gift exchanges at the office, and who gather their families in front of their gaudily-decorated artificial tree to pose in their pajamas for a Christmas picture. If we don't make a stand now against the sophisticates who mock us for our Santa hats and tins of fudge, we will surely pay.

Have we learned nothing from history?? Do you not remember the Grinches from the 70s who set out on a campaign to stigmatize fruit cakes? Just look at what's happened. When's the last time you bit into a heavenly piece of stöllen bread lightly slathered with rum butter and savored the sweet goodness of moist apricot? First the fruit cake . . . then the homemade fudge . . . it's a slippery slope. Why don't you just serve me some store-bought cookies while singing Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and ruin my December altogether? If you really want to drive a nail in my coffin, correct me with a stern "Happy Holidays, ma'am," after I've wished you the politically incorrect "Merry Christmas."

People! Wake up! The same Scrooges who convinced us fruit cakes were tacky are on the move again. This time they've got Christmas sweaters in their sights. Apparently those of us who wear 'em are fat, forty, and frumpy. Well, I may be all of those things, but at least I'm festive. And fun. And free-spirited. See? I'm handy with the F-words, too. There's another one I'm thinking of, but it's Christmas, so I'll refrain.

One woman's frump is another woman's festive.

Mommy, why did that mean lady call me tacky?

Shhh, baby. That lady's better than us . . .
she decorates her fresh tree with
gold ribbon and Victorian ornaments.

Dinner last night: barbecue ribs, mashed potatotes


Anonymous said...

Great post!
I'll wear my Christmas sweater with pride now.
If I can find it.
I hereby proclaim that, Forthwith my Fashions shall be Fortified with Festive Frivolous Faux Pas!

Seeker said...

Awesome post! I giggled at all of your f-words. I wish I had a Christmas sweater. (really!) Never cared much for fruit cake though.

(And a giggle for Anonymous too)

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

Oops. I'm on my moms computer. The comment from "Seeker" was me. Didn't realize mom was logged in!)

Helene said...

Oh.My.Gosh. Kim, you always make me laugh!! This is why I love your blog...I can always guarantee that you will lighten my mood and make me laugh (even though one of my kids is running around naked without a diaper on and will more than likely poop all over the carpet any minute but I'm in too good of a mood now to care).

Hey, I'm all for Christmas spirit!!! Bring on the festive sweaters, the fudge, the fruitcake!!!

twinmamabee said...

I am CRYING right now from laughter. You are so freaking witty and hilarious! I have to email this to twindada, he will appreciate it!

I used to have a sweater that said, "Ho, Ho, Ho" and then I got self conscious and got rid of it...I just might have to go out and find me another one! I am kind of fired up about this now, thanks!

JenEverAfter said...

Oh mercy! Twinmama sent me over here cause I posted about my sister's detest of Christmas sweater, but I can get away with Christmas Jammies.
That sweater on your kid is HILARIOUS!!! She's gonna LOVE that pic someday!

Oh, and pass them thar' mashed potatoes, please!

glitzen said...

Ha ha, must confess I always search for something festive that doesn't involve 62 reindeer in sunglasses dancing across both front and back with REAL light-up decorations! Give me something just a TAD on the subtle side. Love this post! Good call on the selective F words...
I left a store in Anchorage the other day, because as I waited in line the woman at the counter was SO careful to wish "Have a happy Holiday" to each person. I told her, "You do know the holiday you are wishing them, right? Its CHRISTMAS!" and then I left. I said it nicely, but I had to say it.

Stephanie Faris said...

This is hilarious! I love it!!!

And you make a good point. Honestly, I think Christmas sweaters get a bad rap. Just like everything else, there are tacky ones and classy ones. And there are people who seem to turn their body into a Christmas tree from Black Friday until New Years Eve, a new sweater each day. Everything in moderation...those who go overboard ruin it for everyone.

For the record, I have five Christmas short-sleeved T-shirts, that I wear over long-sleeved T-shirts.

Katherine said...

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud at work. Wonderful post!

Alissa Grosso said...

My mom goes around complaining about Christmas, but she has more Christmas wearables than anyone I know so I think she must secretly love Christmas either that or she's really got a thing for tacky, ahem, festive clothing and accessories.

Karen M. Peterson said...

Great post!

I don't have any Christmas sweaters anymore, but I suddenly have the urge to break out my jingle bell earrings!

Tamara Hart Heiner said...


I hate fruit cake. Die fruit cake tradition.

But I think my children look darling in their Christmas sweaters. And my mom will never stop wearing the blinking earrings.

Corpus Christie said...

Absolutely hilarious! And i'm SO with you on the stern "Happy HOLIDAYS" corrections. Drives ya nuts!

I have to disagree with the fruit cake, though. Nasty, nasty stuff.